I am a little dragon

Don't u think that it is much better to just sleep forever than losing memories?

despite all that, i've left USJ and decided to stay with parents instead..they matter more. 

I do miss a few things, places & people over there, especially Mr.SS. On december last year, well 3 months ago, I got engaged *grin* yep, yep, fifa's engaged~~ 2 months of heartbroken, emptiness and loneliness. I stumbled upon a 6 feet 3 inch-broad shoulder-rugby flanker (i think)-not so romantic-as weird as me-guy. It all started with food, notice board & masking tapes. (LOL) Hours of non stop chatting, sharing the same ideas & facts. We both agree that we came from the same planet. 1 month of 'basket carrier' to 'i think i like you' changed to 'i think i love u' to finally 'should we get married?'.

I can still remember the day you came to the office and i open the door for you..yes my neck stretch all the way to look at your face..i still have to look all the way up to speak to you, even now, my height just gave up long time ago. I just love the fact that i'm less than 5 feet girl have you as my shelter + bodyguard + basket carrier..hehe. Months to go till we can officially be together. :D

It's 2016 and I pray that all the unfortunate events will be replaced with more fortunate ones.

I dunno what to write nymore.

 

Last week, early June, we went for a Camp; company related. It was a memorable experience. Something yang dah lama tak lalui and I actually miss teaching kids haha. 

I cook on my own now, ntah ape-ape resipi la I create. All western/Chinese cuisine style. I forced myself to gulped down more vegetables and no spicy oily food. Thank you jugak to my body for suddenly start to allergy dekat semuaaa lah. Chicken is totally out of the picture now, sampaikan hyper ventilate bila makan chicken. Not just that my face totally naik septic spot yg besar n pedih bila makan chikin! chikin is my enemy now! even chicken eggs T_T" so these past 2 months mmg tak masak anything with chicken, except last 2 weeks during camp terpaksa makan jugak chicken, mmg terbaaikk the side effect. My face and internal is still recuperating from the camp. Ah, I cut my hair..now i know why I love keeping my long hair, because when i cut to shoulder length; i look like when i was 18..the memory..rieess..my god..oh well tak pe la at least I know despite being 26, I still look the same 8 years ago hahaha. 

Haritu I had quite a long talk with kak ana about me...somehow the path yang selama ni I was seeking for the right way dah nampak the lorong. I will save up this year, 6 months more to be exact and will start the part time course next year..klau next year still single pun ok jugak haha because to be honest I am scared to let anyone enter this vacant space in my heart UNLESS he really really is the one (dah jodooh). Don't know la, I'll just pray for the best. I am happy the way I am now, what i want are my cats and parents..I want to see my babies. I know diorang sangat bahagia living with mama and ayah but 4 years ago if ayah didn't allow me raising them, i think i will be in mental asylum or 6 feet under..I can't wait for raya holidays as i want to hug my babies all day/night long.

Alas, I am saying goodbye to bakery again, well maybe not for good. I started enjoying cooking and still going Frankenstein with sewing. Sampaikan siap nak imagine cook for my hubby n all. Like whaaaat fifaa?! haha..This year ramadhan sendiri2 and it was ok though i missed sahur banyak kali jugak la. too lazy to get up whiiich is not good at all. I need to get up and eat sahur properly or else later on badan naik.

Office matter, everything's fine. I just do my jobs n tasks n ignore what can be ignored. Lessen my kindness towards helping unnecessarily. The impulse to quit after 6 months is no longer there, well...65% gone. I would be lying if I say 100%. Sometimes I am a little disappointed with what I am doing, sometimes I do not see the point and sometimes i feel so little. Maybe it was just me who felt that way, maybe others see me in a great position. Oh well, I should be thankful and shouldn't complaint much. Nothing comes easy in our life, this is the beginning of everything that's right? 2 months ago I wonder why god send me here and somehow I am starting to see the outcomes. :)

Things happen for reason.

That is what I always tell myself when somethings were not in my favour. Yesterday, I read my posts from the beginning. There, i realised ever since 2012 the ship started to crack and sinking..slowly. I was the one who still holding on to it and still try to sail to our destination. Then after 2 years I was floating alone in the vast sea still hoping that someONE will rescue me and yet for a year I was there all alone. I guess my subconscious mind had had enough and gave a good beating to my heart that I decided to just end it. My heart was silent and didn't protest much. I did not cry nor throw any dispute. I was calm, normal and by being that way my parents were worried. Haha. I was proud of how strong I've become. The one thing that I kept holding on, striving to make it happen, to proof to the people (that I hate) that I will show you what it's worth. But...butt. Yes, all  kind of curse words are coming out of my thorax like vomiting after you went on a crazy roller coaster ride.The amount of time, sacrifices I made, tears, mentally & physically effects I went through were wasted like poop. I am not some kind of a pet that will sit there waiting for my owner to come home and be entertained. Screw that! I don't know what kind of 'condition' that needed so that we could be together forever. Even if she said no no, you as a man should be more assertive and stand your point. It is not like you can't afford, all this while we have been through thick & thin and I believe you knew me well with my ability to adapt and survive. When I sat down and think again, you are too complacent with where you are now. I guess having me in your life who superbly considerate & tolerate made you feel safe and you obviously do not want to leave your comfort zone. I appreciate everything that you've helped me, trust me no one in this world (so far) could ever replace your kindness towards me and I hope all this while the feelings and sincerity were genuine. When I made the decision to let go of this thinning rope, I would not recall any of the best memory/ies we had. I try and try to remember again but it seems that my heart won't respond. Without any doubt i let go of the relationship that I hold dearly for 6 years with my life at stake. Come what may was the only words inside my head at that time. You seem composed replying to my messages but i believe that you weren't.

Then another hard decision need to be made when an opportunity came knocking on the door. A job offer in the central region. If i take this offer, I will say goodbye to my current life. It was a tough decision. Daddy says no at first, for 3 months they kept on asking me. On April I woke up and think; the heck I need a new setting, new journey and new environment. Mama supported me with the idea of taking the job she even told me to be more 'social' and take a look at the outside world. It was tough for me to part with my babies. Many negative thoughts crossed my mind but I have to leave them with my parents. Within 2 weeks everything prepared and it was my first time leaving my parents' sanctuary after these few years. I bid farewell to my 'cave' to my babies and my parents. I stayed with my sister for the first week. Oh..i cried like a baby on the first 2 days of working; 1 because i miss my babies, 2 I was devastated and regret of why I chose to work here and in this position (lol), 3 I want my 'cave'. But i kept on being optimistic. On the 2nd week I found a suitable place to stay and it's a nice apartment. My housemates are all friendly,clean n considerate. The landlord is wonderful, extremely helpful n super friendly. I feel comfortable talking to him. In the office, everything's fine only some time it triggers me to be such a selfish bitch but i suppressed that personality. Day to day things are going well in the office, i started to do a lot of task and it's actually fun. Whenever people ask me about how's my job going on? The only word that I can relate to is FUN. I am having fuuuun and it's actually entertaining(?) lol. No matter how tired i am and I have to walk/run around in the office but I like it. I enjoy doing my tasks & whatnot. haha

Ah I met him on the 1st week I moved to the central region. It was a little awkward. before, whenever I see him i'll jump and will smile as wide as i can but at that moment i'm just like err hi......we were fine for a while then the moment of truth, i just wanted to let go of whatever i'm holding in and blurted out my feelings. aaaand that was the last time i cried regarding our matters. I knew he was still in denial state but i am sorry i can't take it anymore. It was too late to get it all back. We still keep on contacting each other because we've been the best of friends for the past 7 years. :)
Some ask me whether I am looking for a new relationship...hold it. My kind of relationship is not just to happily in a relationship but never think of the end. If you want to be with me, what's your purpose? To just have me as your girl or to make me your wife and take care of me as my religion says of how to do so. Welp, my answer is Yes of course I am still looking for my destined/fated man buuuut my heart is scarred and scared that she will be taken for granted again. I remember the discussion i had with mum where I think I'd rather date a guy older than me but mama said age doesn't effect the maturity of their mind, it's the exposure they had. So I was like hmm ok but I still feeel like looking for an older man.lol. then mama added more by saying find an orphan so you don't have to think much about the mother's problem. I was like 'mamaaa, seriously?' she shrugged..oh dear mama, I love you so much. She ended her motherly talk with a hug and said that just pray for the best and a great one will come. "Of what you are now, dunia & akhirah is what he will be or if you're lucky he'll be much better." In daddy's case....he is concerned aaaall the way from sun to pluto! He is effing worried that my heart will go haywire and mindlessly looking for compassion...no father, I am adult enough to think straight, I am no longer what I was before plus I still have both of you to run to. If I couldn't find my husband here in the dunia, I will see him in the the Syurga :)

All in all...I am happily Neutral though I miss my babies & parents horribly~~~~~~
I wanted to write more in details but my brain is not in the mood.
Till next time. 

Another method that you can do is use the back of your hand, remember BACK of your hand NOT your palm. Keep on patting, just a light one on your under-chin area. Doing this will slowly eliminate the fats. 

If you do this with dedication, I believe you will see a majestic result within a month. 30x each movement per session 5x a day. Make sure to wash your hand and face first before you do this. DO NOT do this while your face is super oily or your hand been touching everywhere. Wash them first. Always avoid the area under your eyes. 

I hope this help because it did great for me! :D
I will write about vibrant skin - natural remedy later on. 

After 30 days of waking up waaaay past 10-11 am. I successfully turned my face into a square shape and created 5 chins. amagaaaaad~~ but after 3 days of waking up before 9 am, my face is now an oval shape and the chin reduced to 2. hahahha! I love my body.

what's worst.due to the raya foods. All oily and full of nuts, my face was erupted by acne. The painful truth of being allergic to nuts/peanuts/groundnuts. :( Once mom even made a fried noodles using nuts sauce and then my face went nuts. T_T!!

Now i'm trying to reduce them back to normal again. hufhuf.

To achieve a smooth skin and normal body (i absolutely detest skinny slim body). There are simple remedies and steps that I should be doing and follow but too lazy. :D These remedies are based on experiences, experiments, own theories and some facts.

For moisture skin; have you ever know that when you rinse the rice(white), the first batch of that murky white not so sweet smell water is actually rich with some vitamins that i don't even want to explain. It's good for moisturizing your skin and will reduce wrinkles on your face or hands. What you have to do is, keep aside that water in a basin. After all the works are done, just splish-splash the water on your face and all over you hand. Leave it be. Do this for one month and you will see how baby like your skin is. For drastic use, put it all over your body. muehehehe. You can store them in a small jar and keep till night. Use it as moisturiser before sleep. If you're too lazy and damn rich, just buy SKII. :P

Another method to reduced panda eye and tired haggard face or to simply reduce your over expose pores. Just massage small cube of ice on your face after you washed your face though.

 Afraid to buy face scrubs or the good ones are bloody expensive? Easy..get a ripe tomato, sprinkle a bit of sugar aand splat them on your face. Rub here and there, like exfoliating. leave it juuuust for a min then rinse. Don't smartly use hot or warm water to wash your face. Use normal water or cold. You don't want your pores to be exposed all day long. Don't wash your face too many times. Your face will turn dry. Just wash once a day except if you spent more time outside. wash them right after waking up and after you got home. DON'T wash your face when you're sweating. Let your pore cool down or else you will invite small septic-spots. Imagine when you just ran 100meter extremely gasping for air and then suddenly somebody force you to immediately drink water. Your stomach will be painful right? That's just how your little pores feels like. (i use my own experience and theory :))

For a face mask; to remove small follicles and black/whitehead. Some people use egg whites and honey. Too much wastage. Instead, use gelatin and whole milk. Buy a packed dried gelatin, the smallest in the store and then the small box of whole milk (250ml). melt the gelatin either double boil them or microwave them. I prefer double boil them. When gelatin completely melt, add up the milk. Stir nicely (make sure you use steel/glass stirrer/spoon). Check if the mixture is at a lukewarm temperature. apply them on your face. If you can't stand the icky feel and smell. I suggest do the egg honey method. Remember when you wear mask, NEVER EVER apply them under your eyes area or on top of your lips. Leave the gelatin mask to dry up. Peel of and make sure it's the opposite side (chin-forehead). Your face will be reddish for the whole day, wash them down with cool water. If you have an event to attend, do this 3 days before.

For vibrant skin; drink lots of plain water..i drank minimum 2litres per day. I might be plumpy but my skin goes boing-boing like baby's butt. (;D). Drink water right after you wake up or after your morning wee-wee. Eat veggies!! I know they taste horrible but you have to eat them. Veggies or fruits are good for pooping too. Please be merciful towards your colon and eat some fibrous food. My routine (when i'm not lazy to step out of the house), buy a papaya and guava. they help for a good time in toilet and great vitamin c. Orange,strawberry and blablabla are too expensive and takes time to eat. For guava you just wash the skin nicely and munch aaall the way. Plus papaya is reaaally cheap and easy to plant. I'm not a fan of banana although banana is very good for your body and they help increasing serotonin (happiness hormone). 

 

For smooth-surface skin; DON'T EAT FREAKING OILY FOOD AND OVERLY SPICY FOODS. :D Because of the dirtiness in your stomach, your face started an acne war. Avoid taking super spicy oily foods. I used to love them but ergh i love my stomach more. I'm aware that most of malaysian's food are fried and spicy but try to reduced their intake and choose something much more healthy. Try to drink green tea (sachet not powdered) WITHOUT sugar and NOT with ice. Although my face looks reddish and seems like not that smooth, it's actually really-flat-smooth and no bumpy-dee-doo. I have white pale skin thus the acne scar stays reddish :(. 

Avoid make-up, especially concealer,foundation, cement, plaster o'paris and whatsoever. They are torturing your pores..sympathise your skin! I don't wear make up, not even eye liner anymore-too lazy to be staring at my eyeballs. All i use is baby powder (johnson&johnson blossom) and the Bedak Nyonya. It's like the geisha white block compressed powder. Let your skin breathe. If you are too embarrassed with all the red-yellow patches and uneven skin tone- that's quite hard to discuss about. Know that our cells are able to regenerate so in MY OWN theory, if you keep on suppressing the healing progress of the cells by adding more problem and suffocating them, your condition will only get worst.

When you sleep or doing nothing, don't cover your face or slammed your face on your pillow/mattresses. Remember your skin shed dead skin while you are sleeping and your hair release oily substance and full of small dirts (especially non-hijab person - no offense). Imagine all of that dirtiness joined together and you happily rubbed your face with them. EEWWW~!! Again, let your skin breathe.  

For wrinkles: Smile..lessen your frowning. As i mentioned above, use ice to massage your lovely skin in the morning.

Why Kirby? Cuz it's supa cute!

For whiter skin; If you're born fair and white skin and you are long exposed on the sun. Try to cover your skin under them. Give your skin some times to recover the burned layer. I easily get sun-burned and it's not fun when the skin dried up. When I go out i covered my skin and avoid direct contact with the sun-rays (umbrella, walked under the shade, thick clothes). We do need vitamin D that is from the sunlight. Do that early in the morning not in the afternoon. I don't believe in using sun-block, i don't trust the chemicals they put in the lotion. If skin burned, let it recover or cool it with fresh raw aloevera (extremely easy to plant). But you have to remove the prickly thorn by its side. Those are 'poisonous' ( i think so, because i'll get super itchy if i don't remove them) and remove the outer skin (one side only). Rub the inside of aloevera but do this when your sweats are gone. Let the aloevera juice dry and wash them (your skin will feel sooo smooth afterwards). Aloe vera is very effective on burn marks like you got burned from hot oil or fire. If you rubs aloe vera immediately on your burned skin (not sun-burned) trust me, no marks will linger.

If you're born with darker tone, your skin won't go any whiter than that. It's harsh I know, but love yourself. Some white-skin person wanted to be darker by tanning and some dark-skin person wanted to be whiter. Just accept who you are, it's already perfect that way. Just maintain what's given. Be aware that when you are not originally white and you are trying to whiten your skin aaand miraculously succeed, honey dear you just kill layers of skin on your face. Means that you are inviting cancer cells to grow. 

Most important remedy is, LOVE and APPRECIATE yourself. You are perfect as who you are now. 

Millions of ringgit was spend to make the prototype of a car yet some consumer add up unnecessary outer accessory that totally ruined the well-made calculation by the engineers. In fact all you have to do is just maintain the parts and go on scheduled services. Why do you have to spend unnecessarily?

Same goes for our body, just simply maintain them. :D

I know some will say i'm not that good looking or my face ain't that pretty or smooth or flawless yet i wrote a long ass blog like my skin is made of pearl. These are the knowledge that i have for taking care of our skin and i don't do them everyday. If i do, you would be jealous~~ ;)

I'll continue on the next blog about maintaining healthy good shape body NOT how to slim down your body and looks like model.

both birdies told me that i've turned gloomy and antisocial... me = *shocked*

was it thaaat obvious guys? :(. I thank you to both birdies who will remain anonymous for always being truthful and direct to me. Even though both of you live far far away from me, but when i talk to you i feel like you're right next to me. 

Their words lingered in my brain for 3 days especially when i'm taking a shower. Why during showering? because that is when my brain relax the most. it's somehow true. i used to be so cheeky i think...not that antisocial. i talked a lot and my head always held high..oh n i smile a lot, i rarely frown. quite active. i love gaming and chatting..but when i came back to malaysia, i've changed. :(

long ago i'm not the kind who will dwell with my past. I only look at the presents. I never keep memories. like souvenir or photos or such. Even when i'm living in qatar i don't take photos here and there so that one day i could tell the world that uuuu i lived here before. no offense to the people who suddenly feels offensive. any where i go i won't take 200 photos and show them up. I'll take some and keep the rest of it to myself. Just that a numb-nut used to not respect that privacy of mine and stole a picture and spread it all over. The only thing that i love to show off is my cats. Cats don't live that long and they make me happy. Even if they are licking their bottom, i still want to keep that moment cuz it's funny and cute. But whyy for the past 6 years i started to dwell with my past. I used to have 0 regrets in me. now i always wanted to turn back time or i wanted to wake up when i was 15 again. I used to not care bout people's feeling or what people might say, but now i freaaking care about it. why why why?

I'm listening to E.S Posthumus albums while writing this and somehow my brain can work perfectly and i can even type faster. *boasting* hahaha. Somehow their music make me stop thinking about my worrisome life and my heart n tiny voices will shut up. 

continuing my ranting. Just when i think that things will turn out okaay. Sh*t happens. I even lost the will and interest of baking. *gasp* yes! finally i said it!! uhuh, i have no interest in baking anymoooore. I might regret saying this now but pssh i have lots of other regretful thing to care about. Baking used to be such an enjoyable activities, i would be so happy when i bake; decorate and seeing the satisfied face of people who ate them. But now i hate it. I have so many knowledge of baking but when i bake, i'm like an empty shell. I don't even have the heart to make them. Even the simplest cake seems like a sea sponge to me though others said it's delicious and looks good. I don't feel satisfied at all. Everything seemed wrong. 

My procrastination level are at the highest now, i can even transcend to become a high level procrastinator. Nothing interest me anymore save that cuddling with my cats. Not that because i'm turning lazy or anything. I have too many things in my mind to think of. Even when i sleep my brain will keep on thinking and turned them into a dream. which resulting a fine killer headache when i wake up. I used to be such a cry baby, anything goes beyond my limit will make me cry. but now, i don't even feel like crying nor care bout the stress that building. Because the other miserable stress are lining up waiting to be entertained. 

As Oscar Wilde said 'One's real life is often the life that one does not lead'. I can relate to that. When dad told me to do what i want and being happy about it. I have a list and i already know what i want the most. Yet, i have doubt in that decision. At some point i feel like i wanted to live on my own with my cats. Everyone is saying that i'm still relying on my parents, i'm already old and i'm not 10, telling me to get the hell out and stop troubling my parents, that because of me my parents can't go here and there, and many more that i feel like saying; shut the f*up cuz i know all that. you don't have to tell me. I ABSOLUTELY know that. but u're not living in my shoes so u don't know what i'm going through. i even told dad n mama that when they are around i'll be lazy and i'll be 100% dependent. I even propose living on my own with my cats. At first they were fine with it but then dad changed his mind..he won't let me go. He said that i'm still his responsibility till i'm married and knowing that i'm far from him and he can't see me will make him worry all the time. I told him even if i stay next to you and being a complete bum? He said it's alright, even if all i wanted to do is sleep and eat. *double shocked* mom's the opposite though. I'm out of my wit. 

When i listen to my old playlist and the old musician that i used to listen to. I miss dancing. I miss engulfing in their goosy-bumpy beats. Oh i'm talking bout B-boys like music and contemporary dance music. I love to dance, i love flower arrangements, i love designing clothes. I used to enjoy being in theater club and acting. I used to have vast imagination, i used to writes and i even structured a book that i wanted to write. Being a poop in luck i lost that file and was destroyed when my PC turn bitchy. I formatted my cpu and the one i saved as back up was corrupted.  :(

Now i'm extremely undecided and i don't know what i want anymore. What am i going to do now? All bunch of whats are building up in me. I can't even sleep peacefully without having a random jumbled up visions. Thank you keyboard for being there and allowing me to type on you. :)