I am a little dragon

Every time i listen to this song, tears will stream without warning. It hurts so bad because tears sting!
It feels like a scalpel slicing through your eyes. The last time i was in real emotional slumps was when
a certain far away person whom i adore dearly left because we are too much far away from each other. I was 16/17 i think. But the moment when he left really ripped me apart and I'm full of anger more than sadness.I cried every time i remember the moment when we will talk non stop, where he treated me like a little child and appreciate my existence. It was never a true love that i gave him but more like infatuated. I was very young, naive and craved for warmth. I understood the impossible distance that too great for us to reach, but i can never accept the way he end the closeness that we had. I was a fool to break the best of man's heart by choosing him. Since that day where he planted hatred in my heart, i never wanted to hear from him again. I'm grateful to that one person for not forsaken me after what I did and still remain as friends. Every moments will always be remembered my dear guardian. :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_aXyU6DBTQ and this song was given to me by a guy who well i guess he really loves me but i can't return that feeling. Thinking it again, i think i turned down 5 guys and broke their heart and only 1 of them still remain my friend. My goodness, I just remember this a while ago.

After that I shut my stone-cold heart as I did ever since I was mere teen. It's hard for me to have a sparks towards men. All the crushes was for the sake of good looks. Reason of not letting anyone touch this heart was because I'm afraid I will be taken for granted. What if I am the one who cherished more of the relationship? What if I can't take the emotional sacrifices that I have to make? What if one day i feel suffocated and I want to run away even if it makes me bleed to death? I let it be for years until I come back to the land i was born at but I was a stranger there. Alone and hollow, I found someone who fits perfectly in my heart. The moment I saw his eyes, time stopped and I keep on wanting to know him. Again it was out of curiosity and infatuation, but i ended up falling in love with this dear person. His love towards me is immense.
From day to day i started to welcome him fully in my heart. I felt mum's warmth and dad comforts in him. Despite the obstacles, i stubbornly wanted this to last forever. As we grew up our feelings are like unquenchable fire. For me he is one of a kind, he heals my wounds. He will always be there at my worst and he will always accept my ugly sides. If i have to write a story of our 'adventure', it would be a great love journey with tears of bitterness and sweetness. and I'm here typing this at 4.42am; clueless of why i'm writing this. I just wanted to pour everything out. I just want the world to know of how great he is and how scared i am if one day he's no longer in my heart.
We hurt each other in myriad ways and countless times. I will cry my heart out even if it's just a small stupid argument. Even when I'm angry at him or fed up with his attitude, I will cry out of anger and still long for him. This love,longing and jumbled up feelings inside of me that's going to erupt like a restless volcano creates fear in myself. I'm afraid of my own heart and now i'm afraid of moving forward; I feel like restraining a ferocious giant that will destroy everything. I thought that distance will make me calm but sometimes it's hard to digest that. Sometimes I will feel cold, as if I've returned to be the way I was originally.
The greatness that he did to me is equal to me owing my life to him. Some might wonder what the heck is it? It's too deep to tell others but that's just how i feel. What makes me laugh more of myself it that whenever other man approaches me except my father and him, i will have goose-bump all over me.
I tried to understand the current situation in fact i clearly understood but i guess i'm the needy girl.
Give it a year or two or more, I can wait and wait to hold hand in hand with him. That fact i definitely understand. All i ask is to not be taken for granted and to not be the one who's cherishing what we are having.  

Will he gets tired of me or will i stray away from this cuz of fear?
I do not know what's ahead of us. All I could say is, come what may.
As mom and dad always remind me, to be prepared mentally and emotionally and accept what ever is coming. Doesn't matter if it's life or love issues.

I can feel this heart of mine slowly closing. I'm scared.....

And lastly will this relationship received full blessing and being acknowledged at the end?

I feel like ranting a few issues....excuse the not so good to read sentences. :)

Logically when we love someone soo much it will cross our mind that we wish to tie the knot. But tak bolehlah bluntly trus2 nk kahwin kan? kena well prepared, cukup syarat and all.tak payah la smp kena ade mansion n ferrari tiga empat biji baru bleh masuk minang anak dara. tu mmg gold digger n plastik namanye. bak kata matlutfi 'plastik, adalah sampah paling byk kat dunia'. so klau dh ckup syarat n ade ape yg wajib tu, kena la nikah kan? klau x freee freee je buat dosa.. si laki tak kisah la tanggung la dosa sniri. yang si perempuan ni. ada terfikir pasal dosa tu? ur father dok menanggung lagi tau dosa tu.
bukan nk kutuk sesape ye, diri fifa sniri pn kekadang terlupa. setan suke cucuk2 lagi bile kite nk buat dosa.
jadi apa conclusion die? nak tahan nafsu? mmg impossible laa nak buat cmtu. nafsu kat sini bukan maknanye ke arah +18 tu. sebelum ke arah tu punye cara. like my dad always say 'find the cause, n remove the cause'. jadi ape cause die; 'nk menggedik, nk tu nk ni; diri ni rindu dah membuak2' so to remove the cause; 'jgn slalu contact, jgn slalu terpikir, jarang2 kan jumpe'. klau org dengar mesti diorg ckp, 'ceh baik tak yah couple'. mmg pn, baik tak yah couple kan? lagi senang idup. sometimes benda tu mmg ada dlm hati nih. hati makin lama makin tawar. tapi come on la, diri dah besar. dah 'adult'. please think like an adult. masa dulu tgh zaman2 rebel n nk try mcm2. of cos la buat salah mcm2 till menyesal smp sekarang pn ada lagi. that's how we gained experience. we learn from our mistakes. since dah tau itu ini salah, jgn la buat lagi. :).. tp actually bila lama tak jumpa n all. bila jumpa tu, rindu tu lain.ada byk sgt nk bercerita. bila kita tgk muka die kita rasa senyuuum je..rasa background ni flowery2 je. that's the real picture of love. every second counts. klau dah hari2 mengadap muka, lame2 jd cm telur busuk. semua benda tak kena, asyik nk bergaduuuh je. n if u ada intention nk kahwin, nnt dh kawin mmg  ngdap muka tu je. klau sekarang ni dah tau semua benda alah, everyday tgk, every minit kene update. later on dah xde ape nk dicerita..sblom kahwin endah bak matahari terpancar..dah together macam nasi basi. pastu gaduh, pastu cerai. penyebab asal tu ape? sebab masa dulu pergaulan tak de batas, tak ingat dunia. kaaaann???

lagi satu hal, bila relationship ada masalah. especially klau dah kene cheat on that guy or this girl. hati ni hancur remuk smp xmau makanminum.nak matiii. i cannot live without u. hak tuih, xde harga diri ka? tapi bila dah kena mcmtu, still cari yg perangai mcm yg lama. tak kan nk cari lagi manusia mcm itu ini kan? ape bodoh sangat ke? klau ko dah tengok prangai laki/prempuan tu mcm ape je. jenis nampak laki/prempuan lain lalu trus tegedik2 mcm beruk. orang 'hi'skit trus rase org tu suka kat dia. how desperate/cheap are u? nak jugak couple dengan dia. awal2 dah tunjuk prangai haram jadah dia tu. klau dah laki/perempuan tu dah dump ko, tak suka kat ko, die ckp yg dia jahat ko baik n klau dia dh sebut tak nak hurt  u again, i ni yg bermasalah; ape maknenye? open ur eyes please, they don't want u anymore. some girls/boys slalu heartbroken kene dump. diorg ni lah yg baik, sweet considerate tp partner diorg cam poopoo..then diorgg tak puas ati dgn sbb ape partner diorg dump diorg. it's so obvious that this partner of yours are bored of you. they can give thousands of excuses but the main reason is always, 'u're not fun'. 
i'm not being skeptical but that's always the reason why things like this happen. i hate girls who are always desperate for guys' attention and can't stick to one. fyi, i've neverbeen in a relationship with anyone other that the one i'm with right now and he's the one that i wish to get married and live forever with. some might say, eleh minah tu bukan ade experience pun nk tp cakap lebih kurang. well mak cik, aku mmg xcouple 30-40 kali mcm kau. kejap2 tukar ur partner mcm tukar seluar dalam. dah la bila bercouple tegerdik2 over2. ingat org suke ke tgk? pastu main tukar2 plak tu. ko xde maruah ke minah? tolonglah weh, mmg dulu aku xpernah couple langsung dgn sape2, scandals tu ade la. dulu zaman sekolah semua tu kenal2 n learn how guys' mind works. i'm a little psychology freak. as we get older as we met many people, we will learn how the wheel turns. plus for me being in relationship is like giving away your heart virginity. so you have to decide very well, knowing his/her future. in 10 years what will it be.. you can foresee where the two of you will be at. and always always remember never ever make promises. tak kisah la nk jumpe kat kantin skolah pun, jangan berjanji. bila ada plan ape2 selalu sebut insyaallah. ingat untuk yang islam, bila kita mungkir janji kita dikategorikan as MUNAFIK. 
i always remember, no promises is number one. we can plan but if god's will it will happen. trust, have faith and sincere are what needed to maintain a relationship. it's true every relationship has it ups n downs. but if you can go through with it no matter what the obstacles are, one day you will see how beautiful it is. from my personal experience, it's much better to have millions of obstacle at the beginning, doesn't matter if it takes 3-4 years but in the end, the result is so overwhelming..you will feel so puas hati, bangga then happy. you akan rasa betapa ruginya siapa yang awal2 dulu sangat happy, parents accept n all, xde masalah. tapi lepas satu masalah dtg. u dah involve kan semua org n tak reti nk handle the problem. lepas tu break up mcm tu je. sedih kan? bila org tanya advice from me, about this guy suke dia n all n all, die pn suka that guy,ape kene buat. my one n only question is 'do you have doubt in him? do u trust him?' always, they cannot say yes directly. n their relationship never stay till d end....sad but thats the truth. n never use ayat terkias2, bukan dlm class sastera pun. ape tak puas hati like; perfume u busuk i xtahan/ i tak suka tgk u pakai baju ketat2 nk tunjuk six packs/ ape ape je lah. cakap je la direct, tp cakap elok2 la..bgtau elok2 'yg perfume tu kuat sgt bau dia, tak suka bila org lain tgk u. bila keluar dengan i jgn pakai'. up to her la to accept ke tak, klau die rase diri die ada value, dia xkan pakai dah. part baju pulak; 'u jangan la pakai ketat2 sgt, nampak pelik,nnt orang ingat u gay(ops jgn ade yg terasa).' so rasenye klau yg jantan sejati tu xbuat dah kot?. well ni semua just my opinion jgn plak ade yg muncung mulut. anyway, that's how it is..communication tu penting..selalu jadi masalah punca utama communication..bila ade ter-miscommunication terus jadi perang dunia. even klau bawak flight pun tower salah bg info, mmg i'm flying without wings. jadi semua2 disana, jangalah jadi mcm pokka je, klau xtau pokka tu ape die tu mcm mengkarung. doh angguk2 mcm orang xde akal. bila nak bercouple, ber ber ape pun. tolooongla pikir. tolooongla value diri tu berape hengget. tolooooongla jgn buat prangai mcm jalang/gigolo. ko nak tegedik2 mcm hyena pegi la jauh2 jgn bg orang nmpak ye. 

-ranting akan bersambung-
sekian
p/s: klau tak suka jangan baca!

(may contain explicit)
The moment firework was blast off, it only live for a few second..people will be awed by the beautiful colours of it's sparks. when it's done and disappear, people will walk away and not even remember the final sparks it left. that's how i feel regarding a few shitty events that just happened. the length of time for happiness is like fireworks..u could be so happy, that it feels soo good till it goes bad. I have been here many many times before, but this time it was the worst blow i've ever took. standing there watching and was planning and hoping it was supposed to be me. being there like a cactus in a flower garden and not entirely liked, faking the hurtful smile. swallowing the bitterness and holding the fking tears.. it hurts terribly that u wish u want to go blind. it was indeed a first time in my whole life that i had to take my eyes away, ran to the toilet & cry d fcuk out. trembling alone n thousands of pictures playing in front of my burning eyes...shiiit. years of waiting, years of walking together; the ups n downs were entirely washed away like when you are pooping. the hard works n waiting were flushed away without even been look at. to make it simple, i feel like  shhhh..tt!!

I'm a cry baby and you should know that. I'm freaking needy and you should know that. I have no one else but you and you clearly know that.

Maybe it's true, i'm emotional, i'm problematic. because i have nothing to be proud of.

I still remember every words, every promises, every sweet moment that's worth remembering, but i doubt that you remember them too. yes, u & i are different..

I'm not here to blame anyone. It was entirely my fault ever since the beginning. I have nowhere to share and let go of these shitty feeling i'm having and still can't shake it off.

Point to ponder: Always follow and listen to your first choice. cuz if you didn't u'll just end up broken down in agony.

To sum it up, thank you to the tear jerking text, a 'feels like hit by a truck' scene and not needed there ambiance; that i have no appetite n cries every freaking minutes.

I saw a child, sitting by the road side and looking at other children. Her innocent yet sad face stared at the joyous children. I sat next to her and looked at her. I asked, 'why do you look so gloomy?' She said, 'I don't know where I belong'. Part of her wanted to join this happy bunch but another half held her back like a tough vein crawling and gripped its vessel. She said, she was never accepted to be with the high or low society. They said she doesn't have education. She doesn't have any qualification, wealth nor any friends. Her life are somewhat dull. Even her siblings think she's worthless, they would prefer her get out and disappear. Telling me this, she still managed to smile whilst crying. She said not to worry, she'll get through it because she has been living like this ever since she can remember. She doesn't need sympathy either. I touched her small palm and all i could do was holding that tiny hand. I asked her, 'what can i do to make you feel better?' She told me to just keep breathing and never let her go. It was her fault to be born as a sensitive child, she said. Shakily, trying to hold my tears I told her It was entirely my fault for destroying the barricade that had been protecting her from being hurt and mocked at. She knew but she never blame me for my foolishness because there are still sweetness left beyond that barricade. She thanked me for showing her the meaning of love, sacrifice, sadness, hatred, anger and a glimpse of pure happiness. Before, it was just coldness and ignorance. She told me to stop over protecting her because she'll never learn. Let her fall and bleed, she will strive to stand up again. 'It's true, I know that too', I whispered with my coarse voice. I was sobbing so badly that words won't come out. 'But I think it's enough, I can't stand looking at you being pushed away, I don't want you to be sad and cast away like this.' She put her forehead against mine, 'everybody needs someone in their life, to share, to laugh, to love and to die with. When they found one, it's the most wonderful phenomena in their sole life but remember nothing last forever. I am a sensitive and tender child, it takes mass amount of diligent to hold me like an artist holding his most delicate treasured masterpiece. A negligence will cause it to be broken and worthless at some point, but we can never ask for too much because they will get bored and tired of us. Alas, we are just a piece of work laying there full of dust waiting to be held again.' 'How can a child this small be so strong', i asked. She said, 'I'm not, you make me stronger day to day by defying the hurtful words being said regardless of who it was from. Those children over there, it's true they have everything in this world that they could wish for, they won't understand your pain and they have no rights to share it with you. But do they have a little guy as strong as me with them? I doubt that. That is why I'm never to cross this road until one day a bridge will be made for me to go to them.' She hugged me tenderly, calming my sobs and she cried herself too. Never to realise that this little girl had endured many things from the path I've been walking and little that I know that my heart is still a fragile little girl yet trying to be stronger and keeping me sane.

I'm leaving; U didn’t know
I'm unhappy but i don’t show
Maybe you don’t want me no more
So you’re walking out the door
I’ve been crying; Every night
I’d been dying; But didn’t want to fight
I fell out of love from U; So set me free

Let me be the one to break it up
So you won’t have to make excuses
We don’t need to find a set up where
Someone wins and someone loses
We just have to say our love was true
But has now become a lie
So I’m telling you I love you one last time
And goodbye