I am a little dragon

wednesday, 3.44 in the morning, popo is sounds asleep next to me. i'm listening to es posthumus; one of my favourite tracks to listen to when i'm blogging. tonight is the same like other nights. cold night and i can't sleep early. in my head, it feels like some kind of cold war going on. i don't know if it's stress or unsolved problem. more like both? above all, it's been more than a week this hateful feeling keeps on engulfing my heart..to be mad at him or even hate him is something i do not want to do. even though it is not entirely his fault but still it was his carelessness that this happen. although one might say it was a small issue but that small dot have taken the toll of doubting. the thing that i kept locked was released in an intense way. my whole nervous system and blood flows are filled with doubts. i used to tell others that once u have your doubt, do not proceed. in my case, it is not him that i have second thought. it was the other person. that person shook my heart to the point of me starting to despise h... him or her, i'll let you guess. i've come a loong way with blood, sweat and seas of tears to reach this point. where we both can be happy without being torn apart every minutes. then the doubt appeared, is it just me who felt that way? is this thing actually meant to be?

now my head is full of images where we're not walking down the same path. maybe these 1923 days were just trials for us to live as a better person, to care bout one another and to know what it is like having to protect another person. if that ever happen, will the others feel victorious? will they be satisfied because of what i fought for turn to naught? you said that i always over thinking, i tried my hardest not to. but some people love to trigger me of doing so. now they must be rejoicing because i am hyperly-over thinking about everything. even dad is super worried abut me not able to sleep and mom always tells me not to place myself in a tiger's den.

i push myself with many distractions but they did not help. instead, they gave me the idea of looking on the other side. i couldn't find the warmth that i used to feel when i think about you nor able to sheepishly smile when i glance at you. it doesn't even hurt my feeling when i say all these stuff but my eyes continuously leaking. i know i am the cold one, i am the cruel one. when you were treated this way by them, i didn't let you go. now i'm beginning to feel what you once felt. now i know why you hate them to the brim because i am starting to feel that way too.

all i ask is for someone who can take care of a precious piece of art that needs attention some times. where you need to wipe the dust out of it and where you will look at it and express your appreciation towards it.
i know you are in a tight spot but with only defeated excuses given to me makes me think that, if it's like this i don't know if you will ever able to hold hand in hand with me till our end. i certainly will hold yours no matter what because i know how it feels being us. that's why i will be as tolerable and considerate as i can be. the question now is, how about you?

she or he might see me as nothing worthy but i hope you know better.

i now realised it was my selfish demand wanting and dreaming of spending the rest of my life with you. this topic might have tortured you and thus it's better if this thinking being buried and never to mention ever again. the closer you are to me, the farther i feel you are. if my existence is just a bothersome to that person, might as well turn to our own road. yours is straight head whilst mine full off u-turns and blockades.

if you really want me then tell me so without remorse and not being angry. be someone that i fell head over heels with 1923 days ago. a cool gentleman that always made me feel warm and safe, a person that i know will never let go of my hands, a person that hates seeing me cry, a person that will tell me the clothes i wear is ugly, a person that will tease me till i cry and end up making me laugh, a person that will never allow other man check up on me, a person that spoil me and bring my inner child out, a person that make me laugh till i'm short of breath, a person that makes me smile ear to ear just by seeing you walking by, a person that i dream of walking side by side till i grow old, a person that made me turned blind towards other man..that person used to be so composed and cool, that person used to be blunt and brave, that person always walk with confident and never ashamed of himself. that person always care about his outerwear.

if i ever  hurts you in anyway or if all this times i'm being nothing but headache and huge burden, forgive me and i won't be angry if it's true. be truthful to me please...

if you understand this endless blabber of mine that you always call over thinking, if you read this long words that i know you so much hate long post. tell me so by asking me 'are you ok?' because love, i'm not...

sometimes the more this thing we have is drag along, the more space build between us....

if you know me well, you'll now why i'm being like this.

it's 4.39 in the morning and in my head is full with stranger's face.