I am a little dragon

i tried to sleep but i couldn't. for an unknown reason, i feel so sad, wanted to cry n miserable. flashes of my past chapters n the failure i've been doing keep on my playing in my head. i forced myself to block them but i'm too hopeless. i lie down next to kakak n try to think bout something else, i even try not to think of anything but i ended up with uncontrollable tears falling down my cheeks. mistakes by mistakes i made n i just cant avoid them. i'm very enrage with myself to the point of wishing that i would wake up n all of these are just a long nightmare. i wanted to wake up on the bed in our messaieed house. getting ready to go to school..smells of mom's early morning breakfast. arguing with kakak n kiss mama & ayah bye². i just wish to wake up n be on that time line back.

i've been thinking n thinking n being searching of what do i want the most? when i was a child, i always wanted to be an engineer. when i grew up as a teen i wanted to be a novelist/writer. then a translator or anything that got to do with science. i tried pursuing in bioscience, my life was wreck by a demon. i started to realise, science isn't my thing. i got a call for bakery n pastry. i wanted it real bad. everyone was up to it but suddenly i was turned down by it. i was left with no choice but go for english. yes i do love english, the language or literature of it is part of my interest but not what i wanted to do for a living. i was devastated but i was left with no choice. only one person who understand that, only he and Allah understand how desperate i was. how crushed i was deep to the core of my bones.

after 4 months of living hell, i told dad i wanted to go out n let me do somewhere else. but he insist of me staying there and want me to finish it up. i try to thrive n escape that hell. but i can't bring myself to it. i pushed myself to the point where mentally i can't accept n go on anymore. crying, stress n depression is like my oxygen. i've been inhaling them every single moment i live there. he nvr understand that...n now it's been a year n 2 months. even though i said to myself that i can do it! i will endure this but my heart n my mind already burnt-out. i can not do it anymore. it's just torturing!! i can't drag myself anymore. u just feel like lying flat on the earth n wait for the angel to take u away. how high spirited i am or was, when i stepped to that living hell, only empty body with automated moving skeleton was moving. i can't set my mind straight.
was it my fault that everything got dragged into this abyss???

what's more wonderful, today..i told dad that what i wanted to do the most was bakery, he was fascinated by that n told me why didn't i do it? i asked him, why didn't he let me do it at that time? we're both were confuse because he utterly agreed with me doing the baking thing n mom was delighted with that idea. but who was the one stopping me to pursue with that? i don't remember myself cos it's been more that a year. i asked ateh bout it n she said that she thought i didn't want to continue. so who was the one that ruined my life at that time?!?!?! i remember it clearly i was told to not take that course. if i was allowed i won't be killing myself at that living hell!! this is exactly the same thing happens when i was in year 12 but 100% more worst than that.

i looked at the MIB website n saw that oct 2008 already graduated. I would hv been there wearing the graduation cloaks, smile happily. it's just devastating. what's to become of me? who could answer that? O Allah, show me what's agenda have u written for me? Help me with this misery....