I am a little dragon

According to the 'western' calendar, it's already the new year 2013. Another 365 rounds to go. Hopefully everything will turn out to be much better that before :)

Some might have the good turns but for some it's the most heart wrenching beginning. But fret not my dears, no matter what happened we have to keep going. If the one we love leave us behind and never to come back. Weep and let everything out, then rise again. Our Almighty God is always there watching over us. He's there when we're sad or happy. Have faith in urself.

When i'm down with all the hardship that i have to go through. When i'm about to break down. I'll cry and cry till it hurts my lungs. I wish that everything was just a dream or i wish to vanish. But this is what my road of life looks like and i have to go on even if it gets too much and even if i goes astray. Sometimes, I forgot to sit longer and talk to Him. Sometimes, I was not sincere enough being with Him. Sometimes, I forgot to be thankful of what i have for all my life. Due to his immense loves, he will call me back and I will be on the right path again. Even if the whole world outcast us, He never abandoned us.

When the pain was too intense, i will complaint and be mad. But it was totally wrong. With all the hardship He gave us now is something he's preparing for the future. We never know what awaits, but He already sets everything right. I myself sometimes complaint how unfair my life is. I wish i could take that back and i feel like a fool. Without realising i became so strong mentally and  not easily shaken. I didn't get mixed up with wrong people nor i turned out wild. Above all, i could be in my parents arms for the longest time than my siblings :).

People might say many unpleasant things about me, hate me or despise me. I survived the biggest 'back-stabbing' of my life. When we don't care bout what they said, things will be much better. All of the sickening false words they spread around about me, i didn't even cracked from it. I was angry because i did so many things that bring them to fame but I was thrown away and fed with ungratefulness. Alas, I do not care and may God repay me with something much more wonderful. They are now lost somewhere in the abyss of my memory trash can. *giggles*

Certain people query about my well-being. Of what i'm doing and what i'm going to do. Thank you for being so curious and interested in me.If u're being such a pester and a crack-pot, no thank you and stay away from me. Some sees me as zero because i have nothing special in my life and i'm not worthy. I just want to tell you that, there are still others who think i'm special and they are the most wonderful person in this world. Even if you don't like me for who i am and what i'm lacking; what's in you that's so special that you could look down on me?  Our life is limited, we never know when we might die. I wanted to explore this world but that is quite impossible. What i can do is learn as much as i can. I hate repetitive works especially studying. I hate school except my friends and few teachers. I hate being caged and doing something that is not going to be use in my life later on. Aaand that was what i actually did till i finished my high school. I never care about my result because those papers means nothing much. I love practicals more than theories. I learnt many things by heart. From tedious works to more of a challenging ones. Well there is nothing to be proud of but i can at least fix and change burnt wires in plug, fix the lamp, make simple electric connections and also little plumbing. At least i know the importance things about taking care of car's engine 0.o. I can bake, cook and most of the house-works. I can do gardening and drawing. I do dance and online gaming. And quite good in computer stuffs. All that's left is perfecting my sewing skills.

If u roll ur eyes while reading this, let me ask you; can u do all of these? If you can, well congratulation you are a perfect human being for me.

This year April, i will be 24 years old. My god bless me on that. I feel like i'm still a little child. A part of me is scared as if my life is like layers of roses; each year goes by is equal to the petals that are drying out and dropping one at a time. ~.~! I'm hopping for this February to finally starts my shop and nothing intriguing comes along. What kind of shop you may ask, well i'll let you guess. I'll try to post some updates of how the progression. Where it might be, hmm...surprise! :)

Here are the most touching songs that will make me cry everytime i listen to them:

    

i tried to sleep but i couldn't. for an unknown reason, i feel so sad, wanted to cry n miserable. flashes of my past chapters n the failure i've been doing keep on my playing in my head. i forced myself to block them but i'm too hopeless. i lie down next to kakak n try to think bout something else, i even try not to think of anything but i ended up with uncontrollable tears falling down my cheeks. mistakes by mistakes i made n i just cant avoid them. i'm very enrage with myself to the point of wishing that i would wake up n all of these are just a long nightmare. i wanted to wake up on the bed in our messaieed house. getting ready to go to school..smells of mom's early morning breakfast. arguing with kakak n kiss mama & ayah bye². i just wish to wake up n be on that time line back.

i've been thinking n thinking n being searching of what do i want the most? when i was a child, i always wanted to be an engineer. when i grew up as a teen i wanted to be a novelist/writer. then a translator or anything that got to do with science. i tried pursuing in bioscience, my life was wreck by a demon. i started to realise, science isn't my thing. i got a call for bakery n pastry. i wanted it real bad. everyone was up to it but suddenly i was turned down by it. i was left with no choice but go for english. yes i do love english, the language or literature of it is part of my interest but not what i wanted to do for a living. i was devastated but i was left with no choice. only one person who understand that, only he and Allah understand how desperate i was. how crushed i was deep to the core of my bones.

after 4 months of living hell, i told dad i wanted to go out n let me do somewhere else. but he insist of me staying there and want me to finish it up. i try to thrive n escape that hell. but i can't bring myself to it. i pushed myself to the point where mentally i can't accept n go on anymore. crying, stress n depression is like my oxygen. i've been inhaling them every single moment i live there. he nvr understand that...n now it's been a year n 2 months. even though i said to myself that i can do it! i will endure this but my heart n my mind already burnt-out. i can not do it anymore. it's just torturing!! i can't drag myself anymore. u just feel like lying flat on the earth n wait for the angel to take u away. how high spirited i am or was, when i stepped to that living hell, only empty body with automated moving skeleton was moving. i can't set my mind straight.
was it my fault that everything got dragged into this abyss???

what's more wonderful, today..i told dad that what i wanted to do the most was bakery, he was fascinated by that n told me why didn't i do it? i asked him, why didn't he let me do it at that time? we're both were confuse because he utterly agreed with me doing the baking thing n mom was delighted with that idea. but who was the one stopping me to pursue with that? i don't remember myself cos it's been more that a year. i asked ateh bout it n she said that she thought i didn't want to continue. so who was the one that ruined my life at that time?!?!?! i remember it clearly i was told to not take that course. if i was allowed i won't be killing myself at that living hell!! this is exactly the same thing happens when i was in year 12 but 100% more worst than that.

i looked at the MIB website n saw that oct 2008 already graduated. I would hv been there wearing the graduation cloaks, smile happily. it's just devastating. what's to become of me? who could answer that? O Allah, show me what's agenda have u written for me? Help me with this misery....

According to the age counter i am 7625 days 19 hours 17 minutes at 19:17. Thus, I should take serious look and care about my self/body and mind as a whole. My current determination is losing this flabby² "flotation device" i have from my belly down to my thighs. ha ha ha. i will try to endure my temptations especially towards food n bed for 1 month (or more??). Oh not to forget, don't miss ur class love..(eheh)

so anywaaaaay~ i ran through some video in youtube, not a cheesy one ppl, i'm a good girl O:). theeen i saw this tutorial about eye makeup. Yes, MAKEUP~~ this girl has lots of easy n useful tutorial for makeup/d.i.y/ skin care n whatever girls need. so i spent about 1 HOUR watching her tutorial and my left butt already numbed. I was "enlighten" by her enthusiasm of making the female species looks beautiful and not like a hooker. It's easy to understand and be done with. What i need right now is the ITEMS~ means I need to run around the shopping mall and find the right colour/s. Anyone would like to volunteer? :D. I really feels like beautifying myself right now. Oh she also have tutorial for Guy's Makeup, read it carefully GUY'S not GAY'S. It's actually applying concealer, foundation n lip balm. I shall try on my teddy(griiiiiiiiiin) ;). The BMI said i should be at least 45kg to be on the scale of normal weight. Well i am on the normal weight scale (23.1) buuuuut i think 20.8 (45kg) sounds healthier.(^.~)
I've been drinking Green Tea for 3 days straight, a very thhick warm green tea. aaaah it taste greaaat (*o*) resulting toilet visit for every hour++ haahahhaah~! detoxdetoxdetox. I wanted to do lemon detox but unfortunately no lemon at home and i am tooo lazy to make lemonade. At least green tea you just boil water n chunk the tea bag in. hehe. My green tea is refilled and i am holding the Cloud 9 choco bars on my left hand, i don't think it's gonna work for 1 month...heeee
I need to do some exercise, like really have to do it or i'm gonna turn into a floater. therefore, I Afifah Mohammad have to work hard for my own good in everything. YOSH! I really mean it cuz i already live for 7625 days and i do not want to count the hours n minutes haha. aand the ants are biting me, i do not know what's their problem. always always bite me, am i too sweet perhaps? (flutter eyelashes). hahaha.

The E.N.D for the short form of energy never dies is the fifth by The Black Eyed Peas. I will put an end of staying here in UCSI university where i will never ever suggest to other people to study here.whoever feels offended, i feel sorry for u. i will go and ask the management tomorrow whether i can still add my subjects. i'll take this as a challenge n i will fill my time n brain with studies n classes. a few day out, i really need to finish this no matter what. the longer i stay here the worst my depresion become. thus, if i wanted to be stress n depress i should do it now..i should become a geek/nerd/wateveruwanttocallit in this 3 months. i don't want to waste another 4 months to finish it off n making my life stress. let's pray for tomorrow that i'm still allowed. oh daddy say yes as long as i can score.

last weekend i had almost4 days of break. it was good to be home, at least u don't feel alone haha. i went back to campus today afternoon. i was so high spirited today to go to class but heck the lecturer didnt come after 30 minutes of waiting. so i wasted my time with movies that kakak gave. the agnus,thongs n perfect snogging was funny n so high school. lol i wish i could do that again, stalking ur crushes n found out every details bout them. fought w ur best friend n get together again..haaa i missed al that. so yea i watched dat n went to class, after waiting for half an hour for the lecturer i went back to my room n started watching august rush. i LOVED it tho the ending is quite a turn off. well kakak u really do understand ur lil sis haha..i really³ love music especially classical :D oh n what a disappointment today. i went to look for my business book n it wasnt there. pffh i was quarter dead by the rushing n today's heat. my room really feels like an incubator..the door knob, my laptop n whatever metal in this room feels hot..imagine thaaaat...how i'm able to stand the heat...i wonder...lol...


lots of thing spinning n taking space in my mind. i just cant stop thinking of this n that. i just cant get it out off my head. the word "Lady" congested my brain, it's been like 3 days n i still can't take it off. what daddy said to me that day, really make me feels overwhelm n thankful. those what i've been wishing for...to be "that"was what i wanted in my whole life..thank you..
i guess it's gonna be tougher for boys to get/handle me after this ^.~

oh tomorrow...BM test..lol....BM...wargh~~~~`hahaha

if education is free in this world...i would not cry tonight...tears of anger/ disappointment/regrets...
i think i've told him before since last year...i hv the hunch it's gonna be a waste but he wont listen!!!
i'm not a fool......look how much i've wasted....time n money...n whats more..my future....i'm very sad n angry at the moment....ya allah help me, tell me if all of this is your msg of showing me the right choice...

hiya peeps~ i know some must be like "wth? new blog?" n stuff like that. i just hv this urrggee to make a new blog..a fresh one..hehe..hmm 2010, i had a bad start on the first week of january n it continues till now. thanks a lot to the uni n also to someone i considered special. maybe i'm too selfish or maybe i'm too fragile or perhaps i've been taken for granted..who knows..
currently i'm lying on my parents bed n having my own space n time ALONE. i had a bad wonderful day today...right reen dear? ;) i'm suprised i was able to control them when i got home. putting the fake smile n cheerful act in front of my parents n sisters is an easy thing to do buuut not to my dad. he'll realise them. ah anyways no more sad talks.

i got home today, arrived at home by night. saw daddy's new 4feet aquarium. the pink light kills my eyes..lol..as usual i'm gonna be his little engineer tomorrow n we gonna 'remake' the filter pump. oooh my clothes that i ordered from Indo has arrived..they r so CUTE~! n i CANT believe i fit on the korean standard size /facepalm. hahaha. juuust need to remove this bumpity on my tummy..hum hum..i hv a sorethroat today n my body temp slightly increased. it gotten worst when i was 'raining' today. shheeesh if ppl heard when i did that, in the bathroom, i know they would run away, thankfully it was on mid-day not night..hahahahah!!

meh this a/c is killing me..i hope my fevr wont get worst cuz i need to go to class..cuz that's the only thing i HAVE to do right NOW. going to claaass~ claass~~ maybe some uni activities~~ claaass~~ sleeep (oh yes very important) and again claaaass~~ hehe

ya allah, amend my crushed heart and guide me to the right path, show me the best choice, save me from cruelty. amiiin.