I am a little dragon

I do every single thing with utmost sincere. I tried my hardest to not hurt your feelings with my words. I do not mind to sacrifice for your sake. Yet, as the 'last' will always be appreciated as the 'last'...sometimes i just wanted to ask why am i being treated differently? Am i just a big burden for you or you just take me in because i'm part of your responsibility?

Sometimes i wonder why do i have to be born n live......yes i'm jealous because for decades the favoritism never change...actually the situation n treatment didnt change, I am the one denying it..

*may contain a few explicit words*

I feel like ranting.

A sudden thought crossed my mind of 'when did my fucked up life actually stop or start?'

I look through my old blog which contain most of the events that i myself had forgotten n reading back the beginning of my cuurent blog. From what i see my cursed up life stopped around January 2011 and started again buy November 2011. Well, the freak-headache-heart wrenching-wanted to commit suicide issues calmed down after January 2011. After being submitted to the hospital, everything seemed alright. If i'm not mistaken the stupid event that happened because some moron were so jealous of my greatness happened around June-July. The hell to them, I don't give a damn bout them other than wishing them to feel the wrath of betraying me. Sheesh i still hope those fucking hags die in some shit pit or something. Those two witches are the only person in this world that I will never wish for any goodness to come by, I will cursed them and their kin for eternity.
Anyway, since Nov 2011 the problem rise again and it was not my fault this time. I was merely the victim that has no where to go and involve in the trouble. Aaaand after trying many2 things; being helpless didn't do much and I'm still suffering till now. The heck...

Of course i accepted the trials that I have to go through and I am thankful for many things that were great to happened. Especially my parents accepting the only man other than my dad that i deeply head over heels with. My love towards him is indescribable that I could write a book about him. But his goodness & charms are for me alone to know and I will never share with anyone of his traits, characteristic & quality that actually  most man lack off. ;)

Back to ranting: sooo, here i am thinking and wondering. When will i get to walk a decent clean straight path and when can i escaped from theeeseee? I know I'm still not good enough to received such wonderful living (i guess) since i am still not a good person yet. Thank you little voice in my head for thinking like that...

Sometimes i think i;ve gone mad...i even talk to myself; not out loud of course. Hmm I think because of all the shits that happened for the past 5 years had made my brain quite insane and my heart cold. I think if i don't have my cats with me since last year, I would wake up late at night n kill some random people without realising.

I realised I lost huge amount of respect towards people that had hurt me. I still can face them and talk to them..but it seems that i gradually care less and don't give a fak bout their well being. You live or u die, i think i'll only shed a temporary tears. God, how angry am i right now that my brain are chanting 'die, die, die' towards few faces..

Mom..i think i need to stay in the hospital again..hahaha.

No, I'm not crazy. I just write whatever my brain thinks right now. Cuz truthfully I don't like sharing my story individually towards anyone..I can only share my troubles with my God and my living teddy bear. But i still keep some to myself. I don't go out much except when i'm going to buy my cat's food and poop sand or when my living teddy bear come back to KL. Soo as u can see, my social life had reduced to a very small circle, maybe a dot. I stayed at home with 3 cats (now), my parents & 2 bettas n 1 turtle. I'm an introvert and I will feel like puking when I'm surrounded by crowds. Still, I'm happy being carefree(it may seem like carefree, but i don't think so..heh).

Blogging takes the heavy weight in my brain off. When i type, i just imagined these 'cancer' that engulfing my brain n heart passed through my finger n land on this screen. I just blabber what ever I want. I don't care if people wanna read or not. Blog is just a place for me to let go what inside of me that sometimes i wish i can shout out loud. Doing so made me less stress. If people want to be judgmental about it. Go ahead, I don't have the right to stop you. If after you read my blog, ur perception towards me changed..I regret nothing, cuz this is who i am. I may look and act like kid; in fact I can think logically better than a 30 yr old.

Now my post are getting even more random. Every paragraph doesn't sync anymore. oh well, what ever.

Another thing that I do not understand. Why on earth do some numb nuts love to make me angry n fed up? Are they a masochist? do they like me cursed at them and being mean? stop making me becoming meaner every moment. Don't built up more tension that will make me make u cry like an idiot....

Haaaah, human...grow up! i think i better sleep.

I have lots to write but i'll save it for other time. Today's post i would like to quote from some quotes that i love and some are from my own thoughts.

"One's real life is often the life that one does not lead" - Oscar Wilde

Stand up again every time you fall just like you did when you were a baby, eventually you'll b 

able to jump & run - Myself


"The deadliest poison is..the human heart" - a script in movie The Banquet


As you like it- William Shakespeare's play

Everything in the world is a game.Thinking you've lost... Giving up in the middle... is stupid.The one who lasts till the end whilst enjoying the game is the winner.That's probably the rule of this world.Things like eating together and having fun together, seeing things together, and thinking; "I'll never forget this moment!", Or laughing like crazy...are what we want the most.Sometimes we get worried, and thinking you wanna be with your friends,family and lover. It's simple; happy things that are important. -I forgot what japanese series this was from.

I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it. Audrey Hepburn 

We listen but we don't speculate unnecessarily- Myself
Abraham Lincoln 

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Albert Einstein
Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. 
Oscar Wilde
Regard your soldiers as your children, and they will follow you into the deepest valleys; look on them as your own beloved sons, and they will stand by you even unto death.

People talk bout politics here n there, some asked me which side will i choose?

IMO who ever rule does not matter, as long as they bring benefits to the citizen and the country.  We pay taxes, we do business and we did so many thing to developed our country. If you said because of the 'authority' that our country flourish. True, they set the system but who was the one that made it works? Of course it's us; the citizen. In the ant colony, the Queen started first by building her own nest and take care of her first batch of 'babies' who later on will continue to expand and serve the colony for the next 20 years or so. Without her workers she can't go on living and expand her colony. It's the same as us; without employees a company can't run. Take away the mail boy; who will distribute our mails? Without us and our unity what will happen to this country?  Don't we deserve some benefits from the land that we dying-ly build?

Do you think I will choose the ruler who gives shits to his/her citizens? You might be retarded if you do so.

I do not 'hail' or 'worshiped' anyone except my god. Religions and politics issues are two different matter. Since our country are made off zillions of religion practices, you can't oppress one another. Religions are sensitive issues and people have their own believes. IMO whatever religions you want to believe in is totally your choice, as long as you do not touch the boundaries and do not ridicule others believe.

We send our kids to school until they graduated and filled them with mass knowledge. Yet some of our mentally numbness person tried to brainwash them and some try to pull them into an idiotic movements. At the end of the day people call these children 'ungrateful'..who the hell can stand this kind of idio-cracy?  That's why they left this country..

For the Bumis & Malays, the system that had been established to give priority & specialty for them were taken for granted. What's more do you want from the authority? In fact they divided themselves and mocked each other. Can't you sit down and think for a while where else in this world you can go and find this kind of privileged? When everybody unite and stand corrected, imagine the goodness that our children's children's children will benefit. If we keep on doing what we're doing right now; our believes and customs will be thrown down to the deepest pit.

In simple words; use your brain which is in your skull not the one u're sitting on. 

Last sunday, i found a very cute kitten near the shop mum n i always go..unfortunately he has umbilical hernia and the organ is already out of the skin. It's dangling under his small tummy. We took him home and feed him. I make sure he's fine and safe from any dangerous stuff. I clean the cat's house everyday. We went to the vet and it cost 400-500RM to do the surgery. That left me with no choice but hope he will live ling enough or die painlessly.

Babu (my white fat cat), was a little jealous with this new member while domo (d black one) became more attached to me. Babu won't let me scratch him as he always want before he goes to sleep. But i still catch him n give him a bear hug! :3

The shop are progressing very well, as expected everything will be done by February. huuuu~~ i have nothing to do at hooome~~ hehe

another update, hmm as usual, I'm so disappointed again. for how many times i don't even know.
I had quite a long chat with dad a while ago. The matter of me getting married someday is always included in our chit chat. haha. I don't feel like doing so, anymore.............my lips n brain say so, but my heart denying..
what's wrong with me?

Anyway, who ever will be my husband or my in-laws; if u gained my dad's trust which is quite hard, u're one lucky guy cuz he will love u very much. If u're one of  'take everything for granted guy', i hope u die in the darkest pit. I hope I'll fine a good guy who can lead me in this world n hereafter. I also wish that he appreciate my very existence in his life and didn't put me 2nd to another girl other than his mother.

-I believe if it's not meant to be, they are something great awaits you-

Here's my loveable boutique's website Yusra Boutique n here's the facebook page Yusra's FB

the shops are still under construction. But most of it are nearly done. Due to non-stop raining, the launching date was push back a little huhuhu. tomorrow me n parents will meet the contractor for the interior renovation :D. i am so excited!

According to the 'western' calendar, it's already the new year 2013. Another 365 rounds to go. Hopefully everything will turn out to be much better that before :)

Some might have the good turns but for some it's the most heart wrenching beginning. But fret not my dears, no matter what happened we have to keep going. If the one we love leave us behind and never to come back. Weep and let everything out, then rise again. Our Almighty God is always there watching over us. He's there when we're sad or happy. Have faith in urself.

When i'm down with all the hardship that i have to go through. When i'm about to break down. I'll cry and cry till it hurts my lungs. I wish that everything was just a dream or i wish to vanish. But this is what my road of life looks like and i have to go on even if it gets too much and even if i goes astray. Sometimes, I forgot to sit longer and talk to Him. Sometimes, I was not sincere enough being with Him. Sometimes, I forgot to be thankful of what i have for all my life. Due to his immense loves, he will call me back and I will be on the right path again. Even if the whole world outcast us, He never abandoned us.

When the pain was too intense, i will complaint and be mad. But it was totally wrong. With all the hardship He gave us now is something he's preparing for the future. We never know what awaits, but He already sets everything right. I myself sometimes complaint how unfair my life is. I wish i could take that back and i feel like a fool. Without realising i became so strong mentally and  not easily shaken. I didn't get mixed up with wrong people nor i turned out wild. Above all, i could be in my parents arms for the longest time than my siblings :).

People might say many unpleasant things about me, hate me or despise me. I survived the biggest 'back-stabbing' of my life. When we don't care bout what they said, things will be much better. All of the sickening false words they spread around about me, i didn't even cracked from it. I was angry because i did so many things that bring them to fame but I was thrown away and fed with ungratefulness. Alas, I do not care and may God repay me with something much more wonderful. They are now lost somewhere in the abyss of my memory trash can. *giggles*

Certain people query about my well-being. Of what i'm doing and what i'm going to do. Thank you for being so curious and interested in me.If u're being such a pester and a crack-pot, no thank you and stay away from me. Some sees me as zero because i have nothing special in my life and i'm not worthy. I just want to tell you that, there are still others who think i'm special and they are the most wonderful person in this world. Even if you don't like me for who i am and what i'm lacking; what's in you that's so special that you could look down on me?  Our life is limited, we never know when we might die. I wanted to explore this world but that is quite impossible. What i can do is learn as much as i can. I hate repetitive works especially studying. I hate school except my friends and few teachers. I hate being caged and doing something that is not going to be use in my life later on. Aaand that was what i actually did till i finished my high school. I never care about my result because those papers means nothing much. I love practicals more than theories. I learnt many things by heart. From tedious works to more of a challenging ones. Well there is nothing to be proud of but i can at least fix and change burnt wires in plug, fix the lamp, make simple electric connections and also little plumbing. At least i know the importance things about taking care of car's engine 0.o. I can bake, cook and most of the house-works. I can do gardening and drawing. I do dance and online gaming. And quite good in computer stuffs. All that's left is perfecting my sewing skills.

If u roll ur eyes while reading this, let me ask you; can u do all of these? If you can, well congratulation you are a perfect human being for me.

This year April, i will be 24 years old. My god bless me on that. I feel like i'm still a little child. A part of me is scared as if my life is like layers of roses; each year goes by is equal to the petals that are drying out and dropping one at a time. ~.~! I'm hopping for this February to finally starts my shop and nothing intriguing comes along. What kind of shop you may ask, well i'll let you guess. I'll try to post some updates of how the progression. Where it might be, hmm...surprise! :)

Here are the most touching songs that will make me cry everytime i listen to them:

    

Every time i listen to this song, tears will stream without warning. It hurts so bad because tears sting!
It feels like a scalpel slicing through your eyes. The last time i was in real emotional slumps was when
a certain far away person whom i adore dearly left because we are too much far away from each other. I was 16/17 i think. But the moment when he left really ripped me apart and I'm full of anger more than sadness.I cried every time i remember the moment when we will talk non stop, where he treated me like a little child and appreciate my existence. It was never a true love that i gave him but more like infatuated. I was very young, naive and craved for warmth. I understood the impossible distance that too great for us to reach, but i can never accept the way he end the closeness that we had. I was a fool to break the best of man's heart by choosing him. Since that day where he planted hatred in my heart, i never wanted to hear from him again. I'm grateful to that one person for not forsaken me after what I did and still remain as friends. Every moments will always be remembered my dear guardian. :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_aXyU6DBTQ and this song was given to me by a guy who well i guess he really loves me but i can't return that feeling. Thinking it again, i think i turned down 5 guys and broke their heart and only 1 of them still remain my friend. My goodness, I just remember this a while ago.

After that I shut my stone-cold heart as I did ever since I was mere teen. It's hard for me to have a sparks towards men. All the crushes was for the sake of good looks. Reason of not letting anyone touch this heart was because I'm afraid I will be taken for granted. What if I am the one who cherished more of the relationship? What if I can't take the emotional sacrifices that I have to make? What if one day i feel suffocated and I want to run away even if it makes me bleed to death? I let it be for years until I come back to the land i was born at but I was a stranger there. Alone and hollow, I found someone who fits perfectly in my heart. The moment I saw his eyes, time stopped and I keep on wanting to know him. Again it was out of curiosity and infatuation, but i ended up falling in love with this dear person. His love towards me is immense.
From day to day i started to welcome him fully in my heart. I felt mum's warmth and dad comforts in him. Despite the obstacles, i stubbornly wanted this to last forever. As we grew up our feelings are like unquenchable fire. For me he is one of a kind, he heals my wounds. He will always be there at my worst and he will always accept my ugly sides. If i have to write a story of our 'adventure', it would be a great love journey with tears of bitterness and sweetness. and I'm here typing this at 4.42am; clueless of why i'm writing this. I just wanted to pour everything out. I just want the world to know of how great he is and how scared i am if one day he's no longer in my heart.
We hurt each other in myriad ways and countless times. I will cry my heart out even if it's just a small stupid argument. Even when I'm angry at him or fed up with his attitude, I will cry out of anger and still long for him. This love,longing and jumbled up feelings inside of me that's going to erupt like a restless volcano creates fear in myself. I'm afraid of my own heart and now i'm afraid of moving forward; I feel like restraining a ferocious giant that will destroy everything. I thought that distance will make me calm but sometimes it's hard to digest that. Sometimes I will feel cold, as if I've returned to be the way I was originally.
The greatness that he did to me is equal to me owing my life to him. Some might wonder what the heck is it? It's too deep to tell others but that's just how i feel. What makes me laugh more of myself it that whenever other man approaches me except my father and him, i will have goose-bump all over me.
I tried to understand the current situation in fact i clearly understood but i guess i'm the needy girl.
Give it a year or two or more, I can wait and wait to hold hand in hand with him. That fact i definitely understand. All i ask is to not be taken for granted and to not be the one who's cherishing what we are having.  

Will he gets tired of me or will i stray away from this cuz of fear?
I do not know what's ahead of us. All I could say is, come what may.
As mom and dad always remind me, to be prepared mentally and emotionally and accept what ever is coming. Doesn't matter if it's life or love issues.

I can feel this heart of mine slowly closing. I'm scared.....

And lastly will this relationship received full blessing and being acknowledged at the end?