I am a little dragon

Things happen for reason.

That is what I always tell myself when somethings were not in my favour. Yesterday, I read my posts from the beginning. There, i realised ever since 2012 the ship started to crack and sinking..slowly. I was the one who still holding on to it and still try to sail to our destination. Then after 2 years I was floating alone in the vast sea still hoping that someONE will rescue me and yet for a year I was there all alone. I guess my subconscious mind had had enough and gave a good beating to my heart that I decided to just end it. My heart was silent and didn't protest much. I did not cry nor throw any dispute. I was calm, normal and by being that way my parents were worried. Haha. I was proud of how strong I've become. The one thing that I kept holding on, striving to make it happen, to proof to the people (that I hate) that I will show you what it's worth. But...butt. Yes, all  kind of curse words are coming out of my thorax like vomiting after you went on a crazy roller coaster ride.The amount of time, sacrifices I made, tears, mentally & physically effects I went through were wasted like poop. I am not some kind of a pet that will sit there waiting for my owner to come home and be entertained. Screw that! I don't know what kind of 'condition' that needed so that we could be together forever. Even if she said no no, you as a man should be more assertive and stand your point. It is not like you can't afford, all this while we have been through thick & thin and I believe you knew me well with my ability to adapt and survive. When I sat down and think again, you are too complacent with where you are now. I guess having me in your life who superbly considerate & tolerate made you feel safe and you obviously do not want to leave your comfort zone. I appreciate everything that you've helped me, trust me no one in this world (so far) could ever replace your kindness towards me and I hope all this while the feelings and sincerity were genuine. When I made the decision to let go of this thinning rope, I would not recall any of the best memory/ies we had. I try and try to remember again but it seems that my heart won't respond. Without any doubt i let go of the relationship that I hold dearly for 6 years with my life at stake. Come what may was the only words inside my head at that time. You seem composed replying to my messages but i believe that you weren't.

Then another hard decision need to be made when an opportunity came knocking on the door. A job offer in the central region. If i take this offer, I will say goodbye to my current life. It was a tough decision. Daddy says no at first, for 3 months they kept on asking me. On April I woke up and think; the heck I need a new setting, new journey and new environment. Mama supported me with the idea of taking the job she even told me to be more 'social' and take a look at the outside world. It was tough for me to part with my babies. Many negative thoughts crossed my mind but I have to leave them with my parents. Within 2 weeks everything prepared and it was my first time leaving my parents' sanctuary after these few years. I bid farewell to my 'cave' to my babies and my parents. I stayed with my sister for the first week. Oh..i cried like a baby on the first 2 days of working; 1 because i miss my babies, 2 I was devastated and regret of why I chose to work here and in this position (lol), 3 I want my 'cave'. But i kept on being optimistic. On the 2nd week I found a suitable place to stay and it's a nice apartment. My housemates are all friendly,clean n considerate. The landlord is wonderful, extremely helpful n super friendly. I feel comfortable talking to him. In the office, everything's fine only some time it triggers me to be such a selfish bitch but i suppressed that personality. Day to day things are going well in the office, i started to do a lot of task and it's actually fun. Whenever people ask me about how's my job going on? The only word that I can relate to is FUN. I am having fuuuun and it's actually entertaining(?) lol. No matter how tired i am and I have to walk/run around in the office but I like it. I enjoy doing my tasks & whatnot. haha

Ah I met him on the 1st week I moved to the central region. It was a little awkward. before, whenever I see him i'll jump and will smile as wide as i can but at that moment i'm just like err hi......we were fine for a while then the moment of truth, i just wanted to let go of whatever i'm holding in and blurted out my feelings. aaaand that was the last time i cried regarding our matters. I knew he was still in denial state but i am sorry i can't take it anymore. It was too late to get it all back. We still keep on contacting each other because we've been the best of friends for the past 7 years. :)
Some ask me whether I am looking for a new relationship...hold it. My kind of relationship is not just to happily in a relationship but never think of the end. If you want to be with me, what's your purpose? To just have me as your girl or to make me your wife and take care of me as my religion says of how to do so. Welp, my answer is Yes of course I am still looking for my destined/fated man buuuut my heart is scarred and scared that she will be taken for granted again. I remember the discussion i had with mum where I think I'd rather date a guy older than me but mama said age doesn't effect the maturity of their mind, it's the exposure they had. So I was like hmm ok but I still feeel like looking for an older man.lol. then mama added more by saying find an orphan so you don't have to think much about the mother's problem. I was like 'mamaaa, seriously?' she shrugged..oh dear mama, I love you so much. She ended her motherly talk with a hug and said that just pray for the best and a great one will come. "Of what you are now, dunia & akhirah is what he will be or if you're lucky he'll be much better." In daddy's case....he is concerned aaaall the way from sun to pluto! He is effing worried that my heart will go haywire and mindlessly looking for compassion...no father, I am adult enough to think straight, I am no longer what I was before plus I still have both of you to run to. If I couldn't find my husband here in the dunia, I will see him in the the Syurga :)

All in all...I am happily Neutral though I miss my babies & parents horribly~~~~~~
I wanted to write more in details but my brain is not in the mood.
Till next time.