I am a little dragon

i tried to sleep but i couldn't. for an unknown reason, i feel so sad, wanted to cry n miserable. flashes of my past chapters n the failure i've been doing keep on my playing in my head. i forced myself to block them but i'm too hopeless. i lie down next to kakak n try to think bout something else, i even try not to think of anything but i ended up with uncontrollable tears falling down my cheeks. mistakes by mistakes i made n i just cant avoid them. i'm very enrage with myself to the point of wishing that i would wake up n all of these are just a long nightmare. i wanted to wake up on the bed in our messaieed house. getting ready to go to school..smells of mom's early morning breakfast. arguing with kakak n kiss mama & ayah bye². i just wish to wake up n be on that time line back.

i've been thinking n thinking n being searching of what do i want the most? when i was a child, i always wanted to be an engineer. when i grew up as a teen i wanted to be a novelist/writer. then a translator or anything that got to do with science. i tried pursuing in bioscience, my life was wreck by a demon. i started to realise, science isn't my thing. i got a call for bakery n pastry. i wanted it real bad. everyone was up to it but suddenly i was turned down by it. i was left with no choice but go for english. yes i do love english, the language or literature of it is part of my interest but not what i wanted to do for a living. i was devastated but i was left with no choice. only one person who understand that, only he and Allah understand how desperate i was. how crushed i was deep to the core of my bones.

after 4 months of living hell, i told dad i wanted to go out n let me do somewhere else. but he insist of me staying there and want me to finish it up. i try to thrive n escape that hell. but i can't bring myself to it. i pushed myself to the point where mentally i can't accept n go on anymore. crying, stress n depression is like my oxygen. i've been inhaling them every single moment i live there. he nvr understand that...n now it's been a year n 2 months. even though i said to myself that i can do it! i will endure this but my heart n my mind already burnt-out. i can not do it anymore. it's just torturing!! i can't drag myself anymore. u just feel like lying flat on the earth n wait for the angel to take u away. how high spirited i am or was, when i stepped to that living hell, only empty body with automated moving skeleton was moving. i can't set my mind straight.
was it my fault that everything got dragged into this abyss???

what's more wonderful, today..i told dad that what i wanted to do the most was bakery, he was fascinated by that n told me why didn't i do it? i asked him, why didn't he let me do it at that time? we're both were confuse because he utterly agreed with me doing the baking thing n mom was delighted with that idea. but who was the one stopping me to pursue with that? i don't remember myself cos it's been more that a year. i asked ateh bout it n she said that she thought i didn't want to continue. so who was the one that ruined my life at that time?!?!?! i remember it clearly i was told to not take that course. if i was allowed i won't be killing myself at that living hell!! this is exactly the same thing happens when i was in year 12 but 100% more worst than that.

i looked at the MIB website n saw that oct 2008 already graduated. I would hv been there wearing the graduation cloaks, smile happily. it's just devastating. what's to become of me? who could answer that? O Allah, show me what's agenda have u written for me? Help me with this misery....

My most recent picture ;D

I'll be going back to uni tonight, pfft hate it! :(
what's more hv 3 assignments waiting to be done. Surprisingly, BM's assignment is the hardest T_T!!! oh n Into. to business mid-tern is this tues! /facepalm! havent studied yet..huwaaaaaaaaaaa!!! I had the bad/warost/scariest disturb last night around 5.30am..it was creeeeppyyyyyyy T_T! i ran to parent's room n sleep there..huk³!

I started to stalk him when i watched Yukan Club n Hanayome to Papa. ♥ !!!!
I just adoooore him so much xD!! What's more with this

I couldn't upload the .gif on FB, the animation doesn't work so i guess i'll put it here :D

Tomorrow morning i'm gonna start mom's remedy by adding cinnamon powder with honey and make it as a drink. I did that before but as usual the LAZINESS wins. Cinnamon powder plus honey will burn your fats. ;) as for ladies for a soft and healthy skin, apply rice water on your face everyday. the easiest way is to gather the first water you rinse when u wash your rice or if u're staying in hostel or don't cook, store the water in a bottle and use them as face toner or as a mask. I have more tips to give but i'm too lazy to type it all. it's a common and traditional remedy. Don't forget to drink plenty of water and eat vegies n fruits. Orange and tomato(or citrus fruits) are good for your skin :). I used to despise vegies when i was small but beauty and health are far more important. hehe. Green and red vegies helps making your skin looks younger and prevent dryness. Seafoods, nuts, and whole grains products also best for the skin. Water is important, it also washed off the toxins in your body and helps you poo-poo easily :D.

SLEEPS ARE IMPORTANT. I know how you hate looking like a zombie in the morning. with the baggy eyes and unhealthy skin. The medicine is simple, sleeps early wakes up early. Problem solved, but it is hard to that around my age becaaauuuseee i don't even know why but it's just feels worng to sleep early. I need to repair my sleeping time. Remember DETERMINATIOOON~!! Q(^O^)Q ah 1 more thing don't spoil yourself with air-conditioner too much, let your body sweat, pity your skin and moisturized skin looks glowy ;)

As for stress, relief them by meditation. Praying is the best and be faithful and sincere about it. It helps to cleanse your body/mind/sin and improves your blood circulation. You don't need to find an escape to the island/ jungle/mountain or anything. Just sits in your room and have YOU time alone. Free all your guilt/worries and stress~~ you don't need to show to the whole world that YOU ARE BEING FAITHFUL. Sincerity is the way of heaven.

According to the age counter i am 7625 days 19 hours 17 minutes at 19:17. Thus, I should take serious look and care about my self/body and mind as a whole. My current determination is losing this flabby² "flotation device" i have from my belly down to my thighs. ha ha ha. i will try to endure my temptations especially towards food n bed for 1 month (or more??). Oh not to forget, don't miss ur class love..(eheh)

so anywaaaaay~ i ran through some video in youtube, not a cheesy one ppl, i'm a good girl O:). theeen i saw this tutorial about eye makeup. Yes, MAKEUP~~ this girl has lots of easy n useful tutorial for makeup/d.i.y/ skin care n whatever girls need. so i spent about 1 HOUR watching her tutorial and my left butt already numbed. I was "enlighten" by her enthusiasm of making the female species looks beautiful and not like a hooker. It's easy to understand and be done with. What i need right now is the ITEMS~ means I need to run around the shopping mall and find the right colour/s. Anyone would like to volunteer? :D. I really feels like beautifying myself right now. Oh she also have tutorial for Guy's Makeup, read it carefully GUY'S not GAY'S. It's actually applying concealer, foundation n lip balm. I shall try on my teddy(griiiiiiiiiin) ;). The BMI said i should be at least 45kg to be on the scale of normal weight. Well i am on the normal weight scale (23.1) buuuuut i think 20.8 (45kg) sounds healthier.(^.~)
I've been drinking Green Tea for 3 days straight, a very thhick warm green tea. aaaah it taste greaaat (*o*) resulting toilet visit for every hour++ haahahhaah~! detoxdetoxdetox. I wanted to do lemon detox but unfortunately no lemon at home and i am tooo lazy to make lemonade. At least green tea you just boil water n chunk the tea bag in. hehe. My green tea is refilled and i am holding the Cloud 9 choco bars on my left hand, i don't think it's gonna work for 1 month...heeee
I need to do some exercise, like really have to do it or i'm gonna turn into a floater. therefore, I Afifah Mohammad have to work hard for my own good in everything. YOSH! I really mean it cuz i already live for 7625 days and i do not want to count the hours n minutes haha. aand the ants are biting me, i do not know what's their problem. always always bite me, am i too sweet perhaps? (flutter eyelashes). hahaha.

owh screw it~!! i went to meet my faculty HoD n god bless me for not throwing my chair to his face! such a blabber n a nagger!!!!! if they really close the add/drop then don't simply handout the form. policy this n that, bullshit! don't give out the form on the first place if u've SUCH policy. bunch of idiots. how on earth did u become a head of dept when u can't even speak english properly? for goodness sakes why am i doing here? i think due to all of this depression my serotonin became less n that's explain my stunted growth! gah hope this uni will go bankrupt n someone please scratch his car!!

The E.N.D for the short form of energy never dies is the fifth by The Black Eyed Peas. I will put an end of staying here in UCSI university where i will never ever suggest to other people to study here.whoever feels offended, i feel sorry for u. i will go and ask the management tomorrow whether i can still add my subjects. i'll take this as a challenge n i will fill my time n brain with studies n classes. a few day out, i really need to finish this no matter what. the longer i stay here the worst my depresion become. thus, if i wanted to be stress n depress i should do it now..i should become a geek/nerd/wateveruwanttocallit in this 3 months. i don't want to waste another 4 months to finish it off n making my life stress. let's pray for tomorrow that i'm still allowed. oh daddy say yes as long as i can score.

last weekend i had almost4 days of break. it was good to be home, at least u don't feel alone haha. i went back to campus today afternoon. i was so high spirited today to go to class but heck the lecturer didnt come after 30 minutes of waiting. so i wasted my time with movies that kakak gave. the agnus,thongs n perfect snogging was funny n so high school. lol i wish i could do that again, stalking ur crushes n found out every details bout them. fought w ur best friend n get together again..haaa i missed al that. so yea i watched dat n went to class, after waiting for half an hour for the lecturer i went back to my room n started watching august rush. i LOVED it tho the ending is quite a turn off. well kakak u really do understand ur lil sis haha..i really³ love music especially classical :D oh n what a disappointment today. i went to look for my business book n it wasnt there. pffh i was quarter dead by the rushing n today's heat. my room really feels like an incubator..the door knob, my laptop n whatever metal in this room feels hot..imagine thaaaat...how i'm able to stand the heat...i wonder...lol...


lots of thing spinning n taking space in my mind. i just cant stop thinking of this n that. i just cant get it out off my head. the word "Lady" congested my brain, it's been like 3 days n i still can't take it off. what daddy said to me that day, really make me feels overwhelm n thankful. those what i've been wishing for...to be "that"was what i wanted in my whole life..thank you..
i guess it's gonna be tougher for boys to get/handle me after this ^.~

oh tomorrow...BM test..lol....BM...wargh~~~~`hahaha