Popular Posts

Read this when you're down

Blogger news

-soon-

Blogroll

-soon-

About

Jun 26, 2013
Others need a shoulder to cry on. In my case i have none. A keyboard to type on is not that bad plus you can hold onto it as long as you want. It had been a while since i visited my blog and post something. I wanted to buuut all i have is ranting. No sweet stories to tell. Today i feel like blogging due to some little bird asked me, 'hey fifa, why are you so different now?' and another masochist bird told me 'yuki, what happen to your compose n cold self?'. i asked them how different am i now? and was i cold to people? 

both birdies told me that i've turned gloomy and antisocial... me = *shocked*

was it thaaat obvious guys? :(. I thank you to both birdies who will remain anonymous for always being truthful and direct to me. Even though both of you live far far away from me, but when i talk to you i feel like you're right next to me. 

Their words lingered in my brain for 3 days especially when i'm taking a shower. Why during showering? because that is when my brain relax the most. it's somehow true. i used to be so cheeky i think...not that antisocial. i talked a lot and my head always held high..oh n i smile a lot, i rarely frown. quite active. i love gaming and chatting..but when i came back to malaysia, i've changed. :(

long ago i'm not the kind who will dwell with my past. I only look at the presents. I never keep memories. like souvenir or photos or such. Even when i'm living in qatar i don't take photos here and there so that one day i could tell the world that uuuu i lived here before. no offense to the people who suddenly feels offensive. any where i go i won't take 200 photos and show them up. I'll take some and keep the rest of it to myself. Just that a numb-nut used to not respect that privacy of mine and stole a picture and spread it all over. The only thing that i love to show off is my cats. Cats don't live that long and they make me happy. Even if they are licking their bottom, i still want to keep that moment cuz it's funny and cute. But whyy for the past 6 years i started to dwell with my past. I used to have 0 regrets in me. now i always wanted to turn back time or i wanted to wake up when i was 15 again. I used to not care bout people's feeling or what people might say, but now i freaaking care about it. why why why?

I'm listening to E.S Posthumus albums while writing this and somehow my brain can work perfectly and i can even type faster. *boasting* hahaha. Somehow their music make me stop thinking about my worrisome life and my heart n tiny voices will shut up. 

continuing my ranting. Just when i think that things will turn out okaay. Sh*t happens. I even lost the will and interest of baking. *gasp* yes! finally i said it!! uhuh, i have no interest in baking anymoooore. I might regret saying this now but pssh i have lots of other regretful thing to care about. Baking used to be such an enjoyable activities, i would be so happy when i bake; decorate and seeing the satisfied face of people who ate them. But now i hate it. I have so many knowledge of baking but when i bake, i'm like an empty shell. I don't even have the heart to make them. Even the simplest cake seems like a sea sponge to me though others said it's delicious and looks good. I don't feel satisfied at all. Everything seemed wrong. 

My procrastination level are at the highest now, i can even transcend to become a high level procrastinator. Nothing interest me anymore save that cuddling with my cats. Not that because i'm turning lazy or anything. I have too many things in my mind to think of. Even when i sleep my brain will keep on thinking and turned them into a dream. which resulting a fine killer headache when i wake up. I used to be such a cry baby, anything goes beyond my limit will make me cry. but now, i don't even feel like crying nor care bout the stress that building. Because the other miserable stress are lining up waiting to be entertained. 

As Oscar Wilde said 'One's real life is often the life that one does not lead'. I can relate to that. When dad told me to do what i want and being happy about it. I have a list and i already know what i want the most. Yet, i have doubt in that decision. At some point i feel like i wanted to live on my own with my cats. Everyone is saying that i'm still relying on my parents, i'm already old and i'm not 10, telling me to get the hell out and stop troubling my parents, that because of me my parents can't go here and there, and many more that i feel like saying; shut the f*up cuz i know all that. you don't have to tell me. I ABSOLUTELY know that. but u're not living in my shoes so u don't know what i'm going through. i even told dad n mama that when they are around i'll be lazy and i'll be 100% dependent. I even propose living on my own with my cats. At first they were fine with it but then dad changed his mind..he won't let me go. He said that i'm still his responsibility till i'm married and knowing that i'm far from him and he can't see me will make him worry all the time. I told him even if i stay next to you and being a complete bum? He said it's alright, even if all i wanted to do is sleep and eat. *double shocked* mom's the opposite though. I'm out of my wit. 

When i listen to my old playlist and the old musician that i used to listen to. I miss dancing. I miss engulfing in their goosy-bumpy beats. Oh i'm talking bout B-boys like music and contemporary dance music. I love to dance, i love flower arrangements, i love designing clothes. I used to enjoy being in theater club and acting. I used to have vast imagination, i used to writes and i even structured a book that i wanted to write. Being a poop in luck i lost that file and was destroyed when my PC turn bitchy. I formatted my cpu and the one i saved as back up was corrupted.  :(

Now i'm extremely undecided and i don't know what i want anymore. What am i going to do now? All bunch of whats are building up in me. I can't even sleep peacefully without having a random jumbled up visions. Thank you keyboard for being there and allowing me to type on you. :)

0 comments: